School of [???]: Halloween Special with Zombies

When Richard and Eddie got their hands on some filming equipment they have decided to start filming some recording sessions. Now they have decided to film their first full length home video. The results were a zombie  movie. Hopefully, it’ll be better than The Walking Dead Season 3.

~Edgar J.

[Richard, Eddie, Chuey, and Harding are at Chuey’s place. They are watching Commissar Rex.]

Richard: Wow, that is one smart dog.

Eddie: I’ll go see if the popcorn is ready.

[The sound of something outside.]

Harding: Hey, guys. I think I hear something outside.

Richard: Relax, Harding. It‘s just the dog.

Chuey: I don‘t have a dog.

Harding: Well then, one of us should check it out. [Everyone looks at him.] I’ll go check.
[He goes outside.] I see nothing. [He hears moaning.] I hear something. [Everyone looks at him.] I’ll check the front yard.

[He opens the front door. Nothing is outside. Nothing.]

Chuey: Guy’s…

[Everyone looks at one direction (no pun intended).]

Richard: Oh, crap. Lock the doors. Lock the doors. Lock the doors.

[They get stuck inside.]

Harding: What the hell was that?

Chuey: Get to the attic. I’ll tell you there. [They get in the attic.] Now, guys. I must warn you this may be rather unbelievable. I’ve only seen this once. I remember I once went on a trip to Maine. A good friend of mine was having a funeral for his cousin. He supposedly died of rabies. At least that’s what they told me. But my friend told me he remembers his cousin’s last dying words to be something about a horrendous creature neither beast nor man. He called it n-zumbi. The scary thing was that the night after the wake, the body went missing. Nobody knew what happened. They say the same thing happened to the almighty lizard king Jim Morrison. They say that he also went missing, but due to cover ups and naive people, no one ever knew that. And in a way, it did make sense seeing how on the night of the wake, the casket was never opened one last time. So therefore they never had any idea that he was never in the coffin. And what about Michael Jackson? Prescription overdose? I don’t think so! It was n-zumbi, I tell you! Lester Bangs? Same cover-up! Same reanimation! Paul Grey? It’s all the same! And what about Alice in Chains? Layne Staley would wander off-stage dizzily during his last days like a flapper after a busy Saturday night! In fact, Dee Dee Ramone said it himself that he had girlfriends that were walking dizzily! What could that be!?! I tell you, n-zumbi! What the hell is n-zumbi you may ask!?! IT’S ZOMBIFICATION!!! REANIMATION!!! THE WALKING DEAD!!! GHOULS’ NIGHT OUT!!! THE DEAD HAVE RISEN!!!

Harding: [Turns to the camera.] And the whole time we have to act like we’ve never seen a zombie movie.

Richard: God, Chuey. I don’t know whether to believe you or consider you crazy.

Eddie: I don’t know about you guys, but I just remembered I have a date tonight. I’ll see you guys later. [Half an hour later.] She’s a zombie. My girlfriend is a zombie. Walked crazily, had no sense of grammatical correctness, and tried to bite my arm off. Am I glad I have this long spiky wrist band otherwise she’d be on me like a lioness on a fresh zebra corpse by now. Okay, I believe you now. Let’s barricade your house.

Harding: With what? We don’t have any two-by-fours lying around in case you didn’t know.

Chuey: Relax, Harding. It’s not like there’s a full-scale zombie outbreak all over southern California.

[Reveals there are handfuls of zombies on every block.]

Richard: [To Chuey.] I liked it when you told that story, but that last sentence of yours has given us a whole movie to deal with. Way to go.

Chuey: Relax, I know what to do in this scenario. I’ve established a whole journal that talks about this kind of outbreak.

Harding: Well then, Morgan Freeman. What does it say to do first?

Chuey: Okay, first of all, calling me Morgan Freeman made little to no sense. Second, we should start by heading to the nearest hardware store. But make sure it’s a small one. We shall take all the non-power tools and use them as weapons. Until then, we go Zombi-U and start out with cricket bats.

Harding: This isn’t Amsterdam! Nobody but the British would own a cricket bat!

Eddie: What luck, I have one.

Harding: Why would you have a cricket bat?

Eddie: I’m f#*!ing British.

Harding: Right.

[They get to a small hardware store after fighting a small amount of zombies.]

Richard: Killing those zombies was actually kinda fun. Though it shows the horrors of how easy it is for your average American to kill a man in one go if given the chance.

Chuey: Okay, remember. No chainsaws. No power drills. No lawn mowers. Nothing that is loud and/or relies on fuel.

Harding: Hey, check it out. By cracking open a safe, I found a sniper rifle with two packs full of ammo.

Chuey: Really? Wow. When you have the time to do unnecessary things, you surprisingly get a lot done. Either way, the gun shall only be used in emergencies. Got that, Harding?

Harding: Anything as long as we can keep this.

[Richard is walking through a dark aisle. He finds a crowbar and decides to wield it. He suddenly hears some breathing.]

Richard: Chuey? Eddie? Harding?

[He turns the corner to find (I can’t make this sound surprising enough.) It the clown.]

It: Hey, fatty! Why don’t you come over?! I have balloons! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Why don’t you take your balloons and come over! HAHAHAA!!!! We’re gonna have fun!!!

[Richard rubs his eyes to find he’s not there. BIG LIPPED-ALLIGATOR MOMENT. Also, we should include a BIG LIPPED-ALLIGATOR MOMENT from the Shining.]

Richard: Whoa, I must be seeing things. First the zombies are loose and now It tries to lure me to God knows…[Richard gets attacked by a zombie. The zombie jumps on Richard and he shoves it away. The zombie lounges and Richard kicks it in the stomach. He then gives it a blow to the head.] Wait a minute. What am I doing? [He knocks the zombie down once more to a stock of nails. He proceeds to give it multiple blows to the head. The zombie lets out a shrill cry and lies down motionless. He kicks it in the head in anger.] (insert clever quote). [He returns to the other 3.]

Harding: Where were you?

Richard: I was fighting a killer clown, and it went down the drain. I found soon after a man in a business suit walking with his a in a dog costume I‘ve come to believe is not his son. Now let’s get out of this place. And we best stick together this time.

Chuey: [Walks up with a hatchet.] Yes. Let’s.
[They’re walking through the, for now, deserted streets of Sunland.]

Eddie: Well, Chuey. Since the county is infested, and supposedly the entire world, where do you decide we head to?

Chuey: My best guess is we either head East to Hidden Valley, Nevada, South to Ahualulco de Mercado, Mexico, or North to Prince George, Canada.

Harding: Shouldn’t we check on our families and friends?

Chuey: Hell, my parents are out of town. Eddie and Richard obviously live together and far from their beloved family. I don’t know about you.

Richard: As of now we are all the friends we have. If any other friends exist, they’d have called us by now.

Eddie: But you don’t even have a phone.

Richard: Just put that issue aside, Eddie. It’s a zombie movie and we don’t need the emotions of people we recognize to get in the way of slaughtering the dead which we have done little of so far. Let’s go do shtuff.

Eddie: Sure.

[The sound of footsteps are heard.]

Chuey: Oh, not good.

[A huge group of zombies (40 I guess) run after.]

Eddie: Oh, crap.

Harding: GO, GUYS! RUN!!! NO USE IN FIGHTING!!!

[They head to a car shop and slam the garage door. The groans of zombies can be heard.]

Richard: That door won’t hold them forever!

Harding: [A hand breaks in and nearly grabs him.] You think!?! [Grabs knife and stabs the hand.]

Eddie: Hey, guys! I found the keys to what I believe is the car in this garage! [Checks the car.] It is! We’re saved!

Harding: Well, then, START THE CAR!!!

[A zombie gets half its body into an opening. Richard jabs it in the eye with the crowbar.]

Richard: Nobody’s hiding Tim Curry in here! GO!!!

[They get in the car.]

Eddie: But wait, we don’t know how to drive yet!

Chuey: Don’t worry! Ozzy taught me this kind of stuff for this kind of scenario! Heh! And you laughed at me for believing in zombies…!

Eddie: Shut up and drive the damn thing!

Chuey: [Floors it.] DRUID PLOW!!!

[They break through the door and run over a bunch of zombies. They drive and get stuck in traffic. A traffic full of zombies.]

Chuey: How could I forget the important rule of not using cars at moments like these!?

Harding: Oh, god! I don’t wanna die this way!

Will the Fried Chicken in Space band make it out of this mess? Tune in after the break to find out!

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Morgan Freeman: Hello, I’m Morgan Freeman. I bet you’re all wondering what happened to the boys of Fried Chicken in Space. Well, I, Morgan Freeman will tell you. These guys are alright. In great detail, Harding Rollins filled the car with gasoline. The band then got out through the sun roof and proceeded to get to a chain link fence and climb over the side. Harding then used his .308 Caliber Round Sniper Rifle to blow the car up. Sadly, they had to leave Eddie behind. But they made sure his sacrifice was not in vain. (Chuckle) Just kidding. They would never leave any of their band members behind. They’re all just too important. I bet you’re wondering: Was I going to make a bassist joke if Eddie never made it out alive? (Chuckle.) Of course not. Bassists are people too. So anyway, these boys have walked through a cracked freeway leading North to the Old Road and straight towards Northern California. As you can see, they are now going through a cornfield somewhere near Bakersfield. It’s been 3 days since the outbreak. They are now living on corn and water. Their only other means of food is beef jerky. But now they are wondering how to get out of the corn before they catch up with some mentally insane religious children…[A bunch of zombies break into the studio where he’s narrating.] Well, it’s time for this old coot to catch some Z’s. And by that, I mean zombies of course. [turns into God and goes Dragonball Z on the undead horde.] FREEMAN OUT!!!

[The main 4 are now in the dark hallways of Birchmen high.]

Chuey: Alright, guys. Scavenge what you can, but remember we’re not here to stay.

Harding: And exactly who crowned you the leader?

Chuey: Do you want to be the leader.

Harding: Good point.

[Richard is looking through Mr. Rodriguez’s class.]

Richard: [Talking to the audience.] Since I’m all alone right now, I’ll talk to you guys without sounding crazy. I really shouldn’t be alone right now. You remember what happened the last time I was left alone. [Looks through a desk. He finds a love letter.] Hey, this is by that anonymous girl sending me love letters.

Dear Ritchie,
   Every time I see your handsome face, I just want to blush until my cheeks burn with joy. Won’t you make me cry while you howl at the moon in awe from the adorableness that is me? It is thanks to you that I find life’s worth living. If you find this, by all means seek out the girl who sent you this and tell her how you feel. I love your great you so much. What else is there to say? So much I could die.

Your secret admirer,
Christie Havok.

So, Christie had a crush on me all this time? Wow, and I never got to realize it. [Turns to the camera.] Remember. This is a performance. I’m sure Christie would probably not be that kind of girl. What does that mean I think of her? Beats me. It’s none of my business.

<<End of Act 1>>