SOPR (Old Eps.): Second Coming, Clean Homecoming

[Editor's Note: Some small significant parts of this script has been edited out because at modern times, it was just TOO unbearable. I also wrote this when I was 14. And to help you out with the inside jokes, I shall put links in between the jokes.  Now without further a due...]

School of Punk Episode IV: Second Coming, Clean Homecoming

[The Clash is in Session.]

Mr. Rodriguez: Good morning, class. Now, as we all know, tonight is the school dance-

Jocelyn: OMG!!! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!! I MUST FIND A DATE!!!

Richard: A dance. How nice. I remember my first dance.

Eddie: What was it like?

Richard: I'd rather not talk about it..

Christie: [From a distance.] Ah, Richard. 

Richard: Besides, Eddie. You were there, weren’t you?

Eddie: Uh…

[Flashback. Eddie is passed out and covered with half empty soda cans.]

Richard’s Ex: I AM  THROUGH WITH YOU YA STUPID-!!!

[Present.]

Eddie: What a crazy bitch.

Christie: Hey, Richard?

Richard: What, Christie?

Christie: [She has heart eyes.] I just want you to know that I’d travel 8 seas just to see your image that makes me mistaken Valentine’s Day for Halloween which I find more romantic.

Richard: You had me on Halloween. What is it?

Christie: How would you like to come with me as my date to the dance tonight?

Richard: Aw, Christie…
NO!

Christie: [Saddened.] Why?

Richard: Because you’re a crazy bitch. And frankly, dating sucks.

Christie: [Starts cutting herself.] WHY!?!

Richard: ‘Cause you’re a crazy bitch.

Mr. Rodriguez: Well, I can see that no one’s interested in algebra. Therefore, FREE RECESS!!!

[Everyone walks out. Christie is in a puddle of tears.]

Christie: WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??

Richard: Crazy bitch.                                                                 I hate you.

Mr. Janitor: Great. Who do you think has to clean all this up? [Sweeps up Christie with a push broom.] I’m an anti-republican pirate, for hell’s sake.

Richard: Stupid girl. Us punks need no date. At least not the poseurs. Right, Eddie- WHAT!?!

[Eddie is flirting with Jenny Ramone.]

Eddie: Hey, Jenny. How would you like to be my date to tonight’s dance?

Jenny: Sure. I wanna sniff some glue now. Bye.

Eddie: Sure. [Cuts himself.] WHY!?!

Jenny: I said yes.

Eddie: Oh, then f*** this. [Hits himself with his bat.]

[Stan walks up to Richard.]

Stan: Looks like we’re on our own.

Richard: What about Chuey?

Stan: Nowhere to be found.

[Meanwhile.]

Christie: I just don’t understand why. Most guys find me really hot.

Jocelyn: Like me. Anyway, I think I can help you with your love life.

Christie: REALLY!?! [Hugs Jocelyn.] THANK YOU!!!

Jocelyn: Yes, well I have been studying punks like Richard. And I learned he is into a nice girl. But punks can be very picky. And I don’t just mean their nose and pockets.

Christie: Say, didn’t you try to pick his pocket before?

Jocelyn: Yes. There was one of those shocker gum things. My fingers are still numb. He is a really clever one.

Christie: So what do you mean as in picky?

Jocelyn: I mean suicidal.

Christie: I cut myself when he called me a crazy.

Jocelyn: But it’s not enough. I mean he all out likes SUICIDE GIRLS.

Christie: Sure. Say, who are you taking to the dance, Jocelyn?

Jocelyn: Chuey. I kidnapped him when no one was looking and locked him in the janitor’s closet. Now only you and me know where he is.

Chuey: GET ME OUT!!! I’M SWEATING BULLETS IN HERE!!!

[The janitor comes in.]

Janitor: Whoever’s after me must really hate teenagers.

[Christie comes into the playground dressed up Goth and stuff.]

Richard: Christie, what happened to you?

Christie: Shut up and be my date tonight.

Richard: But, I don’t wanna!

Christie: Are you kidding me? I thought you liked suicidal girls?

Richard: Actually, I like the website Suicide Girls. Your friend Jocelyn really needs to pay more attention.

[Editor's Note: Suicide Girls is a semi-porn website with hot emo girls that was primarily meant to target punks.]

Christie:  . [Literally. That’s on her face.] You know, you wouldn’t know hotness if it shaved your spikes off?

Richard: It’s true. I don’t know hotness. But I know “Mikeness”.

Christie: YOU’RE GOING TO BE MY DATE WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT!!!

Richard: You’ve lost your ways, you know that?

Christie: [Lip smacks him.] I know.

[Montage of Christie stalking Richard and being rejected. “I’m not your Stepping Stone “ is playing.]

Richard: I need help.

[Richard goes to Stan. Stan is beating up Evans.]

Stan: Next time, cut yourself  before you say punk is dead! Then I might feel slightly sorry for you!

Evans: I’M SORRY!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I’M GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW!!! PUNK’S DEAD!!!

Richard: Stan, stop beating up that emo for a second. I need your help on something.

Stan: [Drops Evans.] I’ll deal with you later. So what can I do for you, Richard?

Richard: Has a girl ever been madly in love with you and wanted to spend her whole life with you and never left you alone so you knew you had to get her outta your life?

Stan: Why, yes I have. And I’m guessing it’s Christie Havok who won’t get off your back.

Richard: You know me too well.

Stan: What can we say? We’re both from the UK. We're both 70's looking punks. We both speak in a British accent.

Richard: I’M SCOTTISH!!!

Stan: Anyway, I know how she may stop it. You must keep rejecting her while “I’m not your Stepping Stone” plays.

Richard: I already did that. She’s still present.

Stan: I have an idea. You accept her but that everyone keeps calling her Yoko. She’ll be so offended, she’ll have no choice but to forget you and leave you for good. I’ll give a full report to our fellow punk companions.

Richard: That sounds great. I’ll do it!

[Christie comes out with a gun.]

Christie: BE MY F****NG DATE!!! Seriously, I never thought I’d have to use force.

Richard: It’s okay. I know you won’t really shoot me.  And NEVER IN THE NAME OF POSEURS!!!

Christie: [Tries to aim gun.] FINE!!! [Walks away crying.]

Richard: Never mind. Mission accomplished in some other way.

Christie: What are you talking about? I’m still gonna stalk you.

Richard: What’s wrong with you?

Christie: Just for the dance tonight, I’d like you to take me.

Richard: Oh, then Okay.

[Christie is puzzled. She still leaves content.]

Richard: What have I done? What do I do?

Stan: Stick to the plan.  She’ll hate you afterwards.

Richard: Great. Where’s Eddie?

[Eddie’s getting high with Jenny by sniffin’ glue.]

Jenny: But mommy, I don’t wanna go down to the basement. It’s dark and scary and there might be zombies or ghosts or Justin Bieber.

Justin: I’m right here.

Eddie: OI SH*T!!! HOW’D YOU GET HERE!?!

Justin: I come to this school.

Eddie and Jenny: AA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Richard: Well then, thanks Stan.

Stan: Sure thing. Just remember. Sid Vicious was innocent.

Richard: YEAH!!! SID VICIOUS WAS INNOCENT!!!

Stan: And the USA has really f**ked up by letting JB stay in LA.

Justin: I heard that!

Richard: YEAH!!! F** *THE USA!!!

Stan: And Pink Floyd sucks like how it says on my shirt!

Richard: But I like Pink Floyd.

Stan: [Walks away.] You’re lost.

(We’ll be right back)

[After school. Christie is getting dressed.]

Davey: Any reason for the overdress?

Christie: Sorry, dad. It’s just I asked Richard out to the dance tonight, AND HE SAID YES!!!

Davey: That is great. Reminds me of my love. [One thought later...] Anyway, want me to take you?

Christie: Please do. I love you, dad.

[Richard’s house. Knock on door.]

Richard's Father: Get that for me, son.

Richard: I’ve been doing it for the past 13 years, dad. You don’t need to remind me. [Opens door. Christie is dressed like a harlot.] Oh. It’s you. And why are you dressed like a harlot?

Christie: What’s a harlot?

Richard: Hopefully, none of the viewers will know. What are you here for?

Christie: THE DANCE!!! IT’S IN 1 HOUR!!! I WANNA GET THERE AS FAST AS I CAN!!! And where’s your nice clothes?

Richard: What do I need nice clothes for?

Christie: It’s a dance!

Richard: Sure [Comes back out 2 minutes later with 80’s style punk clothing.] Happy?

Christie: Seriously? Is this the best you’ve got?

Richard: We’re you actually expecting me to have a tux lying around?

Wattie: BEAT THE TUXES!!!

Christie: We gotta get you to the mall and FAST!!!

[They drive.]

Davey: So you’re the guy who’s taking my daughter out?

Richard: Afraid so.

Davey: You remind me of myself back in my early 20’s. Except I’m a vegan.

Richard: You’re vegan? I’m guessing you’re drug and alcohol free too. [Davey’s about to speak.] It’s okay. I knew that. You’re Davey Havok of the Californian Misfits-influenced Goth/Punk band AFI which stands for A Fire Inside.

Davey: I can see why you like this guy.

Richard: I liked your early albums like “Answer that and Stay Fashionable“ and “Proud of you“. Even Sing the Sorrow.

Christie: Hey, look. We’re here. [They walk to the men’s department. Christie picks out clothes for Richard.] Try these.

Richard: I think if I tried those on, I’d look like Fall Out Boy.

Christie: WEAR IT, YOU ANTI-POSEUR!!!

Richard: Sure. [Goes into a dressing room. Heads for an air vent and into the punk store.] FREEDOM!!!

Stan: What’ll it be?

Richard: The usual vocal spray. I don’t need it, but it would be good about now. While you’re at it, I’d like some Punk Cola. And maybe an Iggy and the Stooges' 1969 drum tab book-

[Christie appears.]

Christie: You really think I’m that stupid? Now C’mon.

Stan: Yoko, how nice to see you.

Christie: Yoko?

Stan: Yes. You see, we’re in a band called “Fried Chicken in Space” and Richard’s the drummer. You dating him reminds us of how Nancy Spungen dated the famous punk Sid Vicious. People called Nancy the Yoko Ono of the Sex Pistols. Because it takes back to Yoko Ono and John Lennon. And it led to Sid quitting and working with his girlfriend. Soon after, when he was high, Sid killed his girlfriend. And that led to him going to jail, shooting dope, then killing himself.

Richard: Which influenced the song “Sid Vicious was Innocent.” Now most punks hate Nancy even though she was pretty hot. SID VICIOUS WAS INNOCENT!!! F*** NANCY!!!

Stan: Yeah. F*** Nancy. She was pretty hot BUT A TOTAL B*TCH!!!

Christie: Don’t worry. That won’t happen. Because Richie and I will be clean. Now let’s go.

Richard: Stan, promise you’ll come to the dance.

Stan: Yes, Richard.

[The dance.]

Davey: Have fun. But not too much fun. If you know what to much fun is.

[They meet with Eddie.]

Eddie: Richard. Whazzup. I think having Jenny take me here is the best idea ever.

Jenny: I don’t ever wanna grow up. I shall stay young forever!

Richard: So, where’s Chuey?

Stan: [Who’s there for some reason.] He’s over there.

[Chuey is tied up and held against his will by Jocelyn.]

Jocelyn: See, Christie? I told you that I had a boyfriend.

Eddie: Chuey, you look happy today.

Chuey: [Whispers.] Kill me.

Jocelyn: WHAT WAS THAT!?!

Eddie: Jocelyn, have you met my girlfriend, Jenny Ramone?

Jenny: I feel sedated.

Richard: Actually, I don’t think he’s happy.

Jocelyn: What do you mean!?! HE LOOKS VERY HAPPY!!!

Chuey: No I don’t.  Jocelyn, I like you. But I hate your personality. Your texting and OMGs and LOLs and especially your Beverly Hills accent. It’s all annoying.

Jocelyn: WTFOMG!!! YOU ARE THE WORST GUY I’VE EVER HELD AGAINST MY WILL!!!

Chuey: Well, you’re the worst girl who ever held me against her will.

Jocelyn: Fine. I herby set you free.

[She unties him.]

Eddie: Well, there ain’t no reason in hell. Just volume. C’mon, Jenny.

Chuey: Eddie. I just want you to know, that Harding stole your girl.

Eddie: WHAT!?! You 2 are from 2 different worlds. You’re from LA, she’s from New York. You like Dodgers, She likes Yankees.

Jenny: Wanna go down to the basement?

Harding: I never even knew there was a basement at this school.

[Eddie is awed.]

Eddie: Jenny is forever blowing bubbles.

Johnny D.: Love sucks.

Jimmy: Jenny’s no longer a punk rocker.

Craig: Her pretty face is going to hell.

Stan: Die, little baby.

Mordered: Die, die, DARLING!!!

Richard: My turn to make a reference. Uh… JENNY YOU C-

Christie: Now, Richard. There’s no need for bad comments. Jenny’s not grey! [Coldplay’s Yellow plays.]  Oh boy! I love this song! Let’s dance! [Dance, Dance, worse than Fall Out Boy.] Kiss me, Ritchie.

Eddie: YOKO!!!

Richard: Dear, God. Please help me.

Eddie: DJ, change it to our tasting.

[Punk music plays.]

Richard: Awesome! A Mosh Pit Riot!

Christie: [Saddened once more.] Sure. Alright.

Richard: Christie, what’s wrong with your face? Please don’t give me that look. C’mon. You’re making me feel bad.

Christie: Just have fun. I’ll be alright. [She leaves still saddened.]

Richard: Great. My brain says trust my anger and mosh. But my heart says trust my feelings and go with her.

Eddie: I thought you were brain dead.

Richard: You’re right.

Eddie: If you fail, can I have her?

Richard: Sure. 

Eddie: YAY! Sloppy seconds!

Richard: [Goes outside.] It sure is quiet out here.

Christie: Do you know how saddening it is to have a girl dump you?

Richard: I did once.

[Flashback.]

Richard’s Ex: YOU ARE THE WORST!!! WE ARE THROUGH!!!

[Present.]

Christie: What’d you do?

Richard: Some guy threw something at her and she got angry at me. So you’re not the only girl who’s ever made my life a living hell. There’s Sarah and Jocelyn and Justin.

Justin: I’M OUT HERE YOU IDIOT!!!

Richard: Christie, I like you. I like you a lot.

Christie: Thanks. Which means this next thing I’m about to tell you will surprise you and hurt you physically.

Richard: What is it? [Christie kisses him. She walks away happy.] THAT WASN’T FUNNY! Seriously, this episode sucks.

[End credits. Promises plays.]